The intertwining of trauma, self-protection, and perfectionism: How they each influence our decisions.
When I reflect on some of my past romances, living situations, and general daily experiences, I notice how, at times, my mind picked apart the positives and negatives, with a focus on what I thought was needed for the situation to feel right for my contentment. I know I’m not alone in this, as it's an aspect of the human psyche that benefits us by helping us discern what’s right for us, fostering growth, and allowing us to protect ourselves from potential harm.
Today I’ve been thinking about what is actually happening when this way of evaluating scenarios works against us—when we find ourselves weighing up whether to pass up something great in search of something “better.” In some contexts, these thought processes and behaviours can be linked to past traumas or, you could say, past moments of significance that caused discomfort, which then lead to future self-protective behaviours that manifest as perfectionism. See how I bolded "in some contexts"? As this is a topic with lots of nuance, please keep that in mind :)
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What is perfectionism?
“Perfectionists set unrealistically high expectations for themselves and others. They are quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes.” - Psychology Today
The above is a type of perfectionism that is often associated to work, study and achievement standards.
Perfectionism comes in many forms. Another form of perfectionism is a tendency to unconsciously control situations in order to avoid pain and minimise any potential consequences if things don’t go as planned. This type of perfectionism can be strongly linked to anxiety. There may be rumination about past mistakes and potential future failures, or struggles to make a decision incase it’s the “wrong one”.
This mission to ensure there’s a 'right choice,' can manifest as running towards the 'perfect' thing while simultaneously running away from what might have once been seen as perfect but is now deemed as not good enough. The goal post is ever-moving to satiate the desire for contentment or safety.
Another example of how this looks: We could be offered an opportunity—something we’ve been hoping for—yet the mind grasps onto any flaws or rationalisations to keep us from pursuing it. What I’m referencing here is different from the intuitive knowings or gut feelings, but more so, stressful thoughts that tell us why “it’s not right”. It’s when we find ourselves projecting many possibilities of what could go wrong, rather than being present with what is, while also forgetting that we have incredible resilience to tackle challenges if needed. This type of response can be an unconscious bid to keep ourselves safe, yet in doing so, perhaps keeping us in our comfort zone unnecessarily.
The Mind is a Pattern Machine
The mind is a pattern-making and pattern-recognising machine. When we encounter traits and circumstances that resemble our history of trauma or discomfort, our mind will in some form, attempt to protect us from re-experiencing pain. Alternatively, we might find ourselves unconsciously recreating a similar scenario in a bid to heal a past trauma through a present experience (so fascinating!). These processes can unfold so quickly and without our awareness catching on, that they drive our decisions and responses without us even noticing.
Sometimes, the former type of self-protection is greatly valuable, as it keeps us from repeating challenging experiences, but other times, are we protecting ourselves to our own detriment? It could be that an opportunity in front of us holds the chance to process and grow, or better yet, receive what we desire.
Where Trauma, Self-protection, and Perfectionism Intertwine
In summary, what I’m getting at is: Previous small or significant traumas, help give us information to inform our future decisions. Due to the body’s and mind’s intelligence to learn from the past in order to survive, this leads to self-protection, at times in our favour and others, perhaps not. The ways in which we self protect can lead to excessive and unconscious perfectionistic behaviours and tendencies. Excessive worry, unrelenting standards, unrealistic goals, avoidance, assumptions, and jumping to conclusions—these are common (but sometimes unrecognisable to the individual) thought processes of perfectionism and can play out in all life domains: relationships, social interactions, work, appearance, family dynamics etc.
So, what can we do about It?
Perhaps with a little more awareness, we can offer ourselves gratitude for how amazing our mind and body are at keeping us safe. From there, we can get curious on a deeper level about what is happening in our world.
We can:
Practice mindfulness by observing when perfectionistic thinking is at play, avoiding self-judgement but simply noticing.
Acknowledge that it is a part of our impressive survival system—and that’s okay.
Notice if our mind is focusing more on flaws and risks than possibilities and positives. Now I’m not talking toxic positivity here (the bypassing or ignoring of negative emotions) - it is about observing how open minded we are being to all of the possibilities, not just the ones we find scary.
Ask ourselves: Is this fearful mind chatter an unnecessary self-protection mechanism, or is there a gut feeling (a deep or subtle knowing), alerting me that something isn’t right?
Journalling about our experiences can offer us valuable information. Prompts to help with self-reflection:
What assumptions am I making right now?
How do I feel in my body in response to this situation? (e.g. calm, open, anxious, closed)
If I focus on what feels good about this situation, I would notice…
If I imagine how this might work out for me, I would see…
Putting aside what my mind is saying, what feels like the right answer?
What is my gut telling me about this?
With honesty and curiosity, these questions help uncover insights that can guide our decisions from a place of greater self-awareness and intention, rather than unconscious reactions. There is no right way, as there is always intelligence at play that we can learn from, but at the least, we can offer ourselves the option to continue to self protect and perfect, or perhaps instead, create space to receive something greater, by changing the way we respond.
Those are my morning thoughts on this one.
If you relate to this and it has stirred up some things for you, please approach your introspection with lightness, a lot of what I have discussed is very common for people to experience in varying degrees.
Have any thoughts on this topic? I would love to hear them!
Disclaimer: Nothing contained in this article is intended to be used as medical advice. It is not meant to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any condition, nor should it be used as a substitute for professional health guidance.
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