5 Steps for Habit Change
When we want to change our habits, one of the most valuable questions to ask is “how does this action that I’m taking, fulfil a need of mine?”. We have to consider what the secondary gain is that we receive, by taking this action (or not taking the action). That return is what keeps us doing it. There are needs of ours that are being met, which could come in the form of reaffirming a belief we hold about ourselves, or either soothing or suppressing an emotion.
The thing is this habit likely did serve you for the better at some point. Yet that time is past and now it’s not supportive of who you want to be and how you want to feel, it’s simply a habit and outdated coping strategy.
When we give ourselves some time though to actually sit with ourselves and understand what’s behind the habits we wish to change, we are much better equiped for successful change. If you’re relating to this, here are 5 steps worth implementing:
1. Identify the belief.
Give yourself the time to sit in stillness, to properly contemplate your situation. Explore it, feel into it and see if you can understand it to a different level. To identify the belief is to get clarity on how this action is associated to certain opinions or judgements you have about yourself. For example, “I don’t believe I’m worthy to relax”, and so the habit is working hard to achieve. It might be uncomfortable but valuable insights are often found in the discomfort.
2. Acknowledge the emotions.
Consider what emotions come up that are associated to this habit. What do you feel before you act on it, and what do you feel after. When we recognise how the action soothes or suppresses certain emotions, thoughts or feelings, we can have compassion for ourselves. We can see why it’s been difficult to break. There’s an opportunity here to acknowledge these emotions by letting ourselves feel them and name them. That may look like labelling it as “sadness” or tuning into the sensations in our body we feel. Essentially the aim is to be present with what is coming up for us. This type of presence is a skill to practice in the future times, when we are about to engage in the habit we want to break.
3. Re write the belief.
Following this we can ask ourselves another question, how can I re-write this story so I take a more supportive action, that fulfils the same emotion or need? For example, this might look like deciding that your way to connect with others doesn’t have to be through alcohol, staying up late, and feeling crap the next day. You decide that people will want to connect with you, even if alcohol is not involved. Another example is deciding that your worthiness does not equate to how hard you’ve worked, and how tired and busy you are from doing so. You decide that you are worthy as you are, just by being yourself, and you always have been.
4. React it.
It’s all well and good to say nice things to ourselves, and use this as a way to self soothe, however what’s really needed in this case is to choose an action that best reflects that new statement, to assist us in believing it, and in beginning to break the habit. For the drinking example, perhaps you start implementing different activities with friends, to form deeper connections in a healthier way for you. For the worthiness example, perhaps you start practicing honouring your energy levels, and creating boundaries on your work hours. As a byproduct, your unconscious mind will take that as a message that you are truly worthy.
5. Reinforce it.
Continue to replacing the old action with the new, and remind yourself of the belief. The reinforcement may take time, or sometimes the lightbulb moments from this process does a lot itself. Ideally though, by having new awareness of the drivers behind the behaviour, you’re able to be more present to it when the action is about to happen, which helps in continuing to practice ways the need can be fulfilled, in a supportive way.
The key difference here is that rather than unconsciously playing things out, you’ve sat with the why behind it, and felt into the emotions that are craving to be felt without something covering them up. You might be surprised about the breakthroughs that happen from giving ourselves a moment to consider these things. It’s the first step to understanding ourselves more deeply and often a missing piece to starting the process of change.
If you’re looking for any guidance on habit change, feel free to ask any questions in the comments, or reach out to me directly.
With love,
Samara.
